The Summer of Self-Love
Where to put our limited energy
Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash
As I was driving my kid to tennis camp today, I thought about how summer used to feel to me when I was his age. It was a long and lovely drawn out period of time that involved bike riding or trips to Disneyland and lots of swimming. It wasn’t always perfect though; scrolling through adolescent memories of social squabbles and insecurities. But summer was a gift that we received after a long year of laboring at school. Adult summer, however, is just not like that.
When this same kid was 6, I realized that I needed to plan summer so that I could work and care for other kids. I learned how camp schedules got released in February and how quickly you need to act to lock in early bird rates etc. It also seems that some families have it all figured out, where they knew to take vacation from work to coincide with breaks from camp and to plan it so that everyone got a chance to enjoy the time off. I do not think I know how to do that. That first summer, I chose all sorts of camp experiences for him, partially because I wanted him to try out new things like art, yoga, sports, Jewish camp without breaking the bank. He was also at the age where he was open to that and willingly went when I took him. Over time, his interests became more specialized and I got a little wiser on how to plan things for him that would also work logistically for me.
I want to be clear that I’ve only become a little wiser (well, maybe not) since I also have two other kids to work into the mix. We also have an au pair to help us with driving and for being a plan B if something comes up. But we only have two cars and we can’t be in two places at once for pick ups so...summer can be rough. It feels like a limbo time that we fill with as much goodness and play as we can before returning them to school, the real schedule of the year.
Maybe that’s why I can’t shake the anxiety I’ve been feeling these last two weeks in between school and camp starting. I, like many people, do not function well in limbo. While there is a part of me that enjoys being a free-spirit, having kids squashed that early one when my kids showed me that without a plan, we are toast. I am half adventurer and half planner so that I’m equally comfortable and uncomfortable in both realms. I like to know what the next day will bring the night before so that I can prepare myself and others for what is to come. But I live with someone who prefers to think about it when the time comes and not a moment before. Summer with kids is not for the faint of heart.
I also feel that summer has brought a relaxing of some of the changes that I intended to make in my life. My Whole30 round has brought me some realizations about myself and my habits and I think I need to do it again to make sure I can take back control over my eating. This time, I’m thinking I’ll do more documenting of how I feel regularly so that I can be more intentional about the process. That will also help me with another goal I have which is regular journaling. My therapist suggested that I combine journaling with something else I already have built in to my life, like brushing my teeth or making breakfast. It is a practice called ‘stacking’ that can decrease the pressure of adding new things into your life. Has anyone done this successfully? If I could figure that out, I could also manage to include other things in my life that I know will serve my mental, physical and spiritual health. No pressure!
The question becomes where I direct my attention and where I set my boundaries. My wise sister-in-law, Allison, told me that she stopped using her Apple Watch because it demanded her attention when she would rather it go somewhere more useful. If we don’t keep track of your exercise stats, does the fact that we did something for ourselves not matter? It’s actually the opposite. Allison said she would run or take a workout class and not pay attention to how many miles or how many calories; rather she would appreciate the fact that she did something healthy for herself and then move on to other things. And focusing on her appearance stopped being a motivating factor for doing things. She told me “the energy women spend thinking about changing their bodies can be better invested in other ways if we allow ourselves that permission.” Where do we want our energy to go? What are the places where we are allowing energy to be wasted?
I thought about how disappointed I have been in myself if, after running, I had not run as many miles as I had hoped. I know that many people set these kinds of goals and it helps to push them forward. But why did I allow an app to make me feel that I had not done something good for myself? To diminish my appreciation for what my body can do, to minimize how uplifted I felt listening to a coach during the run? This is also one of the reasons you are forbidden to step on the scale during a round of Whole30. It is so easy to undermine your own progress based on a few numbers on a scale and that is not what it is about. That is not where our energy needs to go because it does not serve us and our growth.
When discussing Jewish prayer, we often discuss the notion of the fixed words on the page combined with the necessary focus or intention, the kavanah. Those two provide the ideal circumstances for prayer. But what is to stop us from directing our hearts to the things in our lives that deserve our attention? Some things we can do with little thought like boiling water and sometimes driving to work but other things require presence and mindfulness like spending time with family, designing projects or focusing on our self-growth. Those are the things that require kavanah, the necessary focus and dedicated energy, while other things are more like things we cross off the check-list.
“When we create space for ourselves to exist with less expectation, we can experience life more fully and appreciate our experiences as they are happening”, Allison wrote. I’ll be shoving the scale deep under the bed and getting a watch that tells me the time and not my steps.
I wish you a summer of growth and self-love!