Love and Running

Opening Myself Up and Letting Love In

Photo by Nathalie Désirée Mottet on Unsplash

I used to love running. I would feel a desire to get outside and run throughout my day, like I needed to do it. It was incredibly helpful during the pandemic because it got me out of the house, breathing the fresh air, enjoying my neighborhood while doing something great for myself. But like many things that worked in one situation, I have been finding it more difficult not only to run but to make the time/space in my awake time to exercise at all. Returning from remote work has taken time and energy that I used to put into working out and put it toward a tiring commute.

On my first day off in a while, I stepped outside and felt glad that the weather was cool, sunny and in the low 60s. Not the perfect weather for running; I prefer the 50s because as my body warms up, I rely on the cold air to prevent me from overheating. But I was not going to complain or let it stop me. I was going to do this! I chose a run from Peloton outdoor with a coach I like with a soundtrack that I love: Rent! 

Though my legs felt a little slow from not using them to run in a while, my soul felt light as I remembered all the things I loved about running outside. And I was proud of my body for doing it while I moved and sang along. I decided it was the perfect day for running.

Last week, I tried something I had never done before: axe throwing. It was pretty cool but not super easy. Correction: it is super easy to throw an axe; it is not super easy to get it to land in the wood target. It is definitely reliant on the mind-body connection. You prepare, you breathe, step and throw in one smooth motion without letting your mind interfere. The challenge I had was in the follow through; in axe throwing, you throw it and keep your hands pointed to the place you want the axe to land. I kept moving my arms back or to the side which did not work. The instructor patiently reminded me what to do and I realized that you cannot always rely on instinct-everything takes practice and it requires being kind and patient with ourselves. 

Angie, our instructor, was not only watching our form; she listened to the way we were talking about ourselves. During a break in the activity, she showed us what she saw: she held up a tissue and said, imagine this is you arriving for axe throwing, complete and ready. But for many of us, once we get going we said or thought things that tore ourselves down like: I’m not athletic, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do this, this is the best it’s going to get. And as she said each statement, she ripped the tissue. 

She noticed something that we often do as a matter of course: we tear into ourselves little by little. The self-consciousness, the insecurity, the impatience. How would it look to walk into that space and just be open? To try something out, listen to feedback and then try again? How about we do that without making tiny tears in ourselves? Angie said that her response to these self-deprecating remarks is: no one talks about my friend like that. Do you hear that, self? No one talks about you like that.  

A week later, I was back outside with a 45 minute 90s rock run (Thank you, Rebecca Kennedy!) With the soundtrack providing a great cadence for my steps, I listened to the instructor  in my ears telling me to let it all go: all the negative self-talk, all the stress, all the could haves and should haves, all of it. It’s just me and my breath out there, making it happen. I sang along and challenged myself to go a little faster, try a little harder and the only person to stop me is me. I am in charge, and I get to decide what I am putting out there in the world, what dreams I’m going to bring to life. 

It can be quite an emotional experience to push ourselves just a bit into achieving more than we realize we can. I wanted to let go of stress and to celebrate a recent win. I wanted to feel proud of myself for running for a full 45 minutes. So when I found myself back on my street, heading home, heart full, legs still moving, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. The stress presses down on my heart, closing it down, but running on a beautiful fall evening surrounded by trees, neighbors with dogs and relatively peaceful streets with an awesome soundtrack in my ears opened my heart. And the emotions came pouring out. 

An ancient Rabbinic teaching from Pikei Avot expounds :[Rabbi Akiva] would say, ‘Human beings are beloved because they were created in the image of God. It is an even greater love that this was made known to humanity, as it says, "and in the image of God were people created." 

I understand this to mean that we were each created out of Divine love. Not only do we deserve to receive Divine love, or love from others,  but we also deserve to be fully aware of that fact. This is going to stick with me for a while: running the stress out of my body and letting in the love. 

My blessing for you this week is to find opportunities for heart opening, for self-care and love.