*As opposed to “Falling Slowly”, a really beautiful song!
Photo by El Swaggy on Unsplash
Moving through my life with a jangle of nerves in my belly feels like the norm these days. So much uncertainty of what the future looks like makes it difficult to focus on the present moment. I wake up in the morning and wonder about what lies ahead. I do that instead of things I feel like I should be doing like writing my morning pages, exercising, praying or just about anything else. Yet, I still go about my routines and do the best I can.
What is it about the time in bed, the pause in our lives, that brings up so much that we would rather push away? Lying there between awake and asleep, before bedtime or before getting up, brings up emotions, thoughts, fears or feelings that persist. Often the light of day offers new perspectives yet somehow, the quiet brings up so many things, sometimes trivial things, that make us doubt ourselves or question others or exacerbate our fears. This is a regular occurrence for one of my kids as well, and I have to remind him that he is struggling with part of being human, with questioning our choices and trying to learn and grow from them.
Recently, someone I know posted this Victor Frankl quote that resonates so much:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Frankl reminds us that while most of what occurs around us is outside of our control, the thing we can control is how we respond to what happens. That space between is so crucial and that time should not be squandered. And this could be five minutes, but better yet, it is a deliberate and conscious unpacking that brings us to a more satisfying reaction.
It is why I tend to slow down, take a step back and breathe before making a decision. But what about after the decision is made? What about dealing with what comes next? How often do we think through all of it and wish we could tweak it, do it over again.
Rabba Sara Hurwitz wrote an article for the High Holy Days regarding the Jewish concept of teshuvah,forgiveness or more literally, return. She explains Rav Abraham Isaac Kook’s concepts of instantaneous or reflexive teshuvah that quickly comes upon a person (teshuva pitomit) and gradual teshuvah (teshuva d’ragit) which takes longer with more thinking and working toward that change.She compares these models to the way human beings process information and make decisions, some quickly and some more thoughtfully based on the work of Nobel Prize winner,Daniel Kahneman. There is a clear distinction in the quality of both the change that occurs from gradual teshuva and the decisions that are made from more strategic and deliberate choices.
I’ve been running a situation over and over in my mind recently and trying to deal with the aftermath of a decision I made. Everything worked out fine but still, it’s not easy letting go of what happened and moving forward, even knowing that I’m not going to respond in the same way next time.
When dealing with any challenging situation,in order to think through an appropriate and productive response, it helps to have a plan to get you through it. Isn’t everything better when you have a plan?? It’s part of my personality that I’m learning more about, the need for a road map for what I want to do.
In an article in Edutopia about helping teachers deal with their emotions given the impossible situation they are in, author Jorge Valenzuela offers strategies for unpacking difficult situations like the one I had playing in my mind. One of his recommendations is to use an emotions planner.
First, you describe the situation that led to these feelings. This is probably the easiest part of the plan but keep it simple.
Next, identify the emotions you are having from 8 primary emotions. It is not so simple to do that when things are complicated, sticky, overlapping and honestly, messy. But Valenzuela recommends Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions. “Psychologist Robert Plutchik created the Plutchik Model… It shows there are 8 basic emotions: joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, anticipation, anger, and disgust. Plutchik’s wheel of emotions organizes these 8 basic emotions based on the physiological purpose of each.” The link here has an interactive model. Imagine that the model is an unfolded rose shape. You start with the primary eight and extend outward if you need to elaborate on how you feel.
Then, you identify a social-emotional learning strategy for dealing with it. There are five SEL competencies developed by Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning, or CASEL that include self-awareness, self-management, relationship skills, responsible decision making and social awareness. The link above breaks down each one in more detail to help you figure out the strategy you need for your situation.
Honestly, how much better do you feel about something once a plan has been created? A challenging situation or the dysregulation of our emotional state seem suddenly less overwhelming and dire, especially during those quiet moments at night, rehashing the day, focusing on our missteps rather than our successes. (I’ve suggested to my child that we recall moments of glory from our day rather than our regrets. Though I do remind him that having regrets is normal and makes us human; the dark thoughts are not going to stop us from moving forward and feeling good about ourselves.)
Moving toward the new year, I am grateful to have found this tool to help think things through with a method that will both help the relationship involved as well as our social emotional health. Please try this out and notice its impact.
Have a great week and stay safe.