Image credit:
http://www.lakesidepottery.com/
Today’s post was written before the terrifying incident of a rabbi and his congregants being held hostage in their synagogue during services in Texas.I have added a post script below also to recognize Martin Luther King Jr.
I had an experience last week that has stayed with me. In a meeting with our child’s psychologist, he said to me: “is the reason you haven’t been able to do what we discussed previously a product of your ADHD? Or could it be something else?” At first, it was not clear he was speaking to me because I have not been diagnosed nor has it ever been suggested that I have ADHD. So, it was a bit confusing. He said, yes, I am speaking to you, and he seemed to be waiting for a response.
Several things ran through my head but none of them satisfactory in this moment: I am a mom of three kids with a full time job and a husband with a more than full time job who does so much for the family but that often does not include taking care of the myriad of details required to make our lives function; dealing with insurance companies and waiting on hold to speak to someone at Children’s National are both very challenging, time consuming and emotionally draining processes. The daily pressures of whether the child will eat what you have made, or discover the medicine in their food or throw a fit when he feels frustrated. And let’s not forget about the daily stresses of the pandemic. And on and on.
Clearly, there is nothing inherently insulting about not being neurotypical, since that’s clearly the landscape in which we live, so that’s not the point here. However, all of those thoughts running through my head were defenses, stories about why my life looks the way it does, why I had not gotten something done, why some things are just left off the list, which to me would make it all understandable. It would put the situation into its larger context.
Yet, to someone who sees things differently, who approaches problems through a certain lens, whose entire profession is looking at data and offering diagnoses, none of that matters. What was relevant was that a part of our work together had not been completed by me. Interestingly, this was entirely directed at me, the mom,as if it is my responsibility alone, which I also found startling.
And so his question may have been more out of curiosity, a way for him to understand what happened that would make some sense, a way for him to perhaps view me with extra compassion because it was out of my control. The truth is actually more complicated than that.
What has become clear to me is that I am a person of context. To me, the entire story is important and relevant. I suppose it makes me more process oriented than product, though of course I take pride in creating a polished product as well. I suppose that is what makes it challenging for me during interviews. I am asked a question and then launch into a story and hope that the listener can parse out the information they need. Sometimes, the listener, like the doctor, thinks in bullet points and is listening for those same staccato pieces of information from the speaker. The stories are just not helpful- just get right to the point and keep responses short.
Thinking about the differences in communication style and work style in many interactions that I have has been helpful to me in learning more about myself and how to communicate more effectively with others. However, I wish I would have been able to respond in the moment in a way that would have settled me a bit more.
It is in these kinds of interactions that remind me that our society is set up in a certain way for certain types of personalities to do well and others to struggle. Introverts such as myself need to figure out ways to get our voices heard in ways that may not be what we understand as the norm, and as I have written before, quick response times seem to be valued as well. I need a minute to gather my thoughts, to take a beat before responding, to make sure I understand what I need to but I suspect that is not always appreciated because it is not what is expected.
And finally, at the end of the day, sometimes I am just not able to get it all done. There are things that I intend to do but just do not because I made other choices, had other priorities. There are times I choose rest, peace, self-care or connection over things sitting on my to-do list. I think the challenge can be in accepting those choices as necessary at times and choosing to be kind to myself about that.
I am not defined by the things I missed, the ways I messed up, the mistakes I made. But those things, I hope, are the cracks that make me a stronger whole. The Japanese have an incredible practice called ‘kintsugi’. Literally, it means ‘joined with gold’ but it is part of a larger philosophy they have about highlighting the imperfections inherent in human beings and showing their beauty. It is a practice of filling in the cracks in broken pottery with tree sap and then with gold. It is a long and painstaking process but turns something that others might want to toss out into a treasure even more lovely than it was originally.
This idea is very counter cultural in American society but perhaps not so in Judaism, which itself is counter cultural. In the Torah, when Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the carved tablets of stone that God had carved, he ended up smashing them on the ground in anger when he saw the people at the foot of the mountain worshipping the golden calf they had made rather than waiting for him to return. Later, Moses returned to the mountaintop to encounter God and together, they fashion a new set of tablets for the people. When the people traveled in the wilderness, they placed both sets of tablets in the ark that went with them. They kept both the intact, the product of human and divine connection, and the broken, the ones made by the Divine alone.
Brokenness and wholeness exist side by side in all of us as well. Striving for perfection is unhealthy as well as unholy. Brene Brown reminds us that: “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame…Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception -- we want to be perceived as perfect. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.”
Amen. Amen. Amen. I bless us that we may go forward with greater love and compassion for ourselves, to not let the shame that comes from the expectations of others divert us from the work we need to do in the world.
Postscript in the day following the the situation in Texas: My head and heart are still reeling from the news yesterday and last night. It is shocking and yet not shocking anymore. I’m grateful that the innocent survived and so angry and hurt that gathering to pray together still puts us in danger.
On the eve of the holiday to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr’s birth (and personally, the birth of my youngest, Amos, whose name evokes the words of justice of prophets ancient and modern), I share some of his fine words as a way to remind ourselves that our society still suffers from deep fissures of inequality and injustice. I should think I would have let Dr King get the last word in any event. Please take the time to read the whole letter and sit with his words.
Excerpted from the incredible and still relevant Letter from Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963 that he wrote to the religious leaders of the city:
“We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was "well timed" in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word "Wait!" It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This "Wait" has almost always meant "Never." We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that "justice too long delayed is justice denied.".....
I feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of men willing to be co workers with God, and without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the knowledge that the time is always ripe to do right. Now is the time to make real the promise of democracy and transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. Now is the time to lift our national policy from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of human dignity.”
The Kintsugi image on this page is used without permission as required by law, our policy, or as a courtesy. Note that the "lakeside pottery" watermark was deliberately taken off.
Please provide credit with a clickable link to www.lakesidepottery.com, or remove it to avoid further complications> Original image can be seen in th efollowing link (#84): https://lakesidepottery.com/Pages/Kintsugi-art-example-gallery.htm
Kindly, Morty
Lakeside Pottery Studios
18766 John J Williams Hwy Unit 4
Rehoboth Beach, DE 19971
USA
Tel: 302.313-4015
www.lakesidepottery.com