Appreciating the Little (Or Big) Push

Fighting Against Imposter Syndrome

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

Lately, I have been blessed to receive some really nice feedback on the writing that I have been doing here. It feels so empowering and so validating to know that what I am putting out in the world has made an impact on some of my readers. I started this project as a vehicle for me to put my thoughts and ideas out there, and it still comes as a pleasant surprise to me most times when I hear from people (and I am sooo glad when you do) that something has resonated with them.

I wonder if I’ll always feel like that; in a way, I hope I do so I never take it for granted. I know I still have a ways to go before I feel totally confident and secure in what I write. Every time, I feel a bit nervous and excited when the time comes for it to hit everyone’s inboxes, kind of how I used to feel stepping on to the stage or when I teach or give a talk. It can feel unnerving even when you know and stand by your message; vulnerability is the crucial element to growth.

When I was in high school and in a musical theater program, my voice teacher told me that nerves serve a purpose. She would tell me to use the nerves as energy and that if I was not nervous to perform, I would not be as focused. She said that for her, God was singing through her, and it was not a choice NOT to sing. At the time, that was an idea that felt out of reach, but I understand it a bit more now. It is not a choice NOT to find ways to use our gifts as a Divine gift to the world.

I taught a class for women a just before and at the start of the pandemic on the weekly Torah reading, and one of the sessions was on Moses and his imposter syndrome. No matter what God tells him, no matter how much God reassures, Moses just cannot believe he is the one chosen to lead the people. He tries to get out of the role again and again, but God is not deterred. Moses reluctantly agrees and becomes the greatest leader and prophet for the Israelites. Sometimes, as Julia Cameron wrote, the universe puts out a net for us when we are ready to take a leap. Sometimes, we get an external push that we may chafe against initially, but maybe we should not protest too much. That push is often what we need to stretch ourselves and grow.

I’m thinking of how someone in my family found herself teaching a mindfulness class to colleagues via zoom because her supervisor thought she would be good at it. She did not raise her hand for the job, but when approached, and despite bouts of doubt, accepted the role and made it successful.

I can think of many examples from my life as a rabbi and educator when I needed that extra encouragement. I will always remember my work at IKAR in Los Angeles, first as a rabbinical student and then as an education grad student, where my mentors went on maternity leave rather suddenly, and I found myself in the position to lead. Before then, it was easy for me to hang back, but at those times, I had no choice but to step forward, be brave and be myself. And while it was a bit scary, it was so instrumental to my education and development as a leader. So, Rabbis Brous and Rosenthal: I owe you and your offspring a debt of gratitude!

How often does this happen for us, that we hear external voices leading us forward in addition to the internal? This is not to say that we do not need to make our own effort to move toward what we want. Sometimes the external voices are ignorant or belittling, challenging but not supporting, and we need to ignore those and rely on the internal drive. But other times, we need to hear what others are saying to us about our own abilities that we may not have realized.

Let’s open our hearts to the messages around us; they may lead us to find our truth.