Photo by Mike Von on Unsplash at the Griffith Park Observatory
It has been an emotional rollercoaster of a week. I found myself smiling from ear to ear, heart soaring and then heartbroken, crying from grief. The image of the pendulum swinging from one extreme to another has been a comforting one for me in terms of parenting my children. I recognize that even little humans have the capacity to swing from one end to another and it is my job to love them for all of it. I often forget that I can be like that too and I need to love myself for it.
We are all capable of erroneous or unhelpful thoughts. Apparently, according to my son’s therapist, we have around 50,000 thoughts a day, so it stands to reason that some of them may not be serving us. I’ll come back to this idea.
The shorthand version of my week involves some significant professional successes of which I’m proud. I got to do some teaching, which I enjoy, and I also engaged in some real conversations about boundaries and what I need for personal and professional equanimity.
Personally, I took myself to the theater as an artist date, a time for just me to engage in something to inspire my creative side, and I saw RENT. That show is so powerful and I found myself in tears for much of it. I think the music of RENT has appeared here before since I love it and find myself coming back to it again and again.
A day later, I was in tears again from the news that someone in my life had died. I hadn’t been in touch with her in a long time but with Facebook, I had felt connected. And so I was stunned to see a post that she had died and it hit me quite hard. Fortunately, I had not missed the memorial service on livestream so I tuned in to hear people offer prayers and reflections on what a powerful person she was despite dealing with profound challenges.
Sheryl Grossman, may her memory be for a blessing, had a rare condition called Bloom’s Syndrome which affected her growth and made her more susceptible to cancers. She had become a powerful advocate for disability rights, founded an organization for others with her condition and lived her life as an active Orthodox Jew. During the pandemic, she worked to make sure covid vaccines were available and accessible to all. It was so inspiring to hear people share stories of working with her and her seemingly unending energy for the work that needed to be done. She worked closely with many prominent people in the Jewish and disability worlds.
People talked about what she was like as a person and loyal friend. It pains me to hear about how kids treated her as she was growing up because I met her when I moved to Illinois for our senior year in high school. Adolescence is a difficult time for everyone but I remember Sheryl as a kind and generous person who was always thinking of others. As my therapist often says: how you do anything is how you do everything. And that certainly applied to Sheryl. She decorated my locker for my first birthday in my new town even though we had only known each other for a short time. I hold onto that poignant memory now despite the sadness it brings.
Part of what makes RENT so compelling is its focus on holding on to what we can do today and not allowing fear of what might happen prevent us from taking the opportunity to love and be loved. I struggle with this often and wonder if I’m holding myself back at times. I think about someone like Sheryl who dealt with so much every day and how she was determined to make a difference and make her life matter. There is no question that she did that and not on her own either. She had many support systems that she cultivated, and that is also a powerful reminder that we are not expected to succeed without help.
I talked to my therapist about all of the emotions swirling around me with everything that’s been going on this week. I shared how frustrated I am that I haven’t been writing or keeping up with my healthy living routines. I told her that I am so good at starting something but not following through. I get caught up in things and can’t see the forest for the trees. I am terrible at keeping in touch with people and wish I was a better friend. I wondered when I would get back to working toward my goals of regular writing and cooking.
She said to me: how do you feel when I say, “If not now, when?”. Immediately, the tears returned. She had no idea that she was quoting ancient Jewish wisdom to me and that I was immediately consumed with many thoughts and feelings about that idiom. It comes from an a mishnah, a rabbinic teaching from the 2nd century, attributed to Rabbi Hillel: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when? This is a powerful ethical teaching about how life is a balancing act between advocating for self and for others and for not waiting for the right time because that time is now.
Interestingly, “if not now, when?” sounds a bit like the refrain from RENT, “No Day But Today”. Fear may hold us back from taking risks and putting ourselves out there to potentially fail, but also to potentially succeed. Taking a lesson from a person like Sheryl helps to really ask, “If not now, when?” and mean it. There is no time to lose.
At Sheryl’s memorial, I learned that she preferred to call herself a ‘disabled person’, not a ‘person with disabilities’ because that was her associated identity. She connected to that part of herself first. Dana Marlowe, herself a disability advocate, feminist, entreprenueur and founded of an organization I support called I Support the Girls, offered powerful remarks on behalf of so many people and organizations who were impacted by Sheryl’s life and work. She read an incredible poem by disabled poet Laura Hershey that was Sheryl’s favorite. It’s called “You Get Proud by Practicing” and its message is particularly apt. It is so wonderful that I’m going to go ahead and put the whole thing here in this post below.
Unhelpful thoughts usually involve words like “always”, “never” or “should”. When I encounter thoughts like: I never finish what I start! Or, I always disappoint myself or others. Or, I really should be doing x, y, z, I am going to call it out and remind myself that not only is it unhelpful, but it is untrue. I am going to practice being proud, even if I fail, even if they laugh and even if I’m afraid.
Please enjoy this poem and learn more about Sheryl Grossman.
You Get Proud By Practicing
by Laura Hershey
If you are not proud
For who you are, for what you say, for how you look;
If every time you stop
To think of yourself, you do not see yourself glowing
With golden light; do not, therefore, give up on yourself.
You can get proud.
You do not need
A better body, a purer spirit, or a Ph.D.
To be proud.
You do not need
A lot of money, a handsome boyfriend, or a nice car.
You do not need
To be able to walk, or see, or hear,
Or use big, complicated words,
Or do any of those things that you just can’t do
To be proud. A caseworker
Cannot make you proud,
Or a doctor.
You only need more practice.
You get proud by practicing.
There are many many ways to get proud.
You can try riding a horse, or skiing on one leg,
Or playing guitar,
And do well or not so well,
And be glad you tried
Either way.
You can show
Something you’ve made
To someone you respect
And be happy with it no matter
What they say.
You can say
What you think, though you know
Other people do not think the same way, and you can
keep saying it, even if they tell you
You are crazy.
You can add your voice
All night to the voices
Of a hundred and fifty others
In a circle
Around a jailhouse
Where your brothers and sisters are being held
For blocking buses with no lifts,
Or you can be one of the ones
Inside the jailhouse,
Knowing of the circle outside.
You can speak your love
To a friend
Without fear.
You can find someone who will listen to you
Without judging you or doubting you or being
Afraid of you
And let you hear yourself perhaps
For the very first time.
These are all ways
Of getting proud.
None of them
Are easy, but all of them
Are possible. You can do all of these things,
Or just one of them again and again.
You get proud
By practicing.
Power makes you proud, and power
Comes in many fine forms
Supple and rich as butterfly wings.
It is music
when you practice opening your mouth
And liking what you hear
Because it is the sound of your own
True voice.
It is sunlight
Wen you practice seeing
Strength and beauty in everyone,
Including yourself.
It is dance
when you practice knowing
That what you do
And the way you do it
Is the right way for you
And cannot be called wrong.
All these hold
More power than weapons or money
Or lies.
All these practices bring power, and power
Makes you proud.
You get proud
By practicing.
Remember, you weren’t the one
Who made you ashamed,
But you are the one
Who can make you proud.
Just practice,
Practice until you get proud, and once you are proud,
Keep practicing so you won’t forget.
You get proud
By practicing.